5 Ideas to Get Through The Pain of a Messy, Dark Situation

Are you slogging through the mud of life right now? Maybe you are in the middle of a very painful situation? There are ways to get through the pain. But right now you may be feeling like it will never end or life will always be this hard, this painful? I really do get it. That was totally myself a few years ago. And can I say, I know how you are feeling; I get it; because I felt it too. And no matter what ‘people’ told me, I didn’t believe it would ever end.

But guess what??? The pain did end. The misery subsided. The knives in my back and gut were dulled. And my life began again. A very different life than what I thought, but I did get through the pain and anguish. How? That is what I want to encourage you with today. There are ways to make it through the mud and the painful place you are at right now. These are the things that helped me through the mess and I truly hope they help you as well. Although there are many other ways to find your path through this trauma, use the following 5 ideas to get through the pain. It can be a starting point to your own victory and your own new life.

My Story….through my own pain.

I’d been married for 27 years, raised two sons and homeschooled them through high school. I’d been a stay-at-home wife and mom all my life, and was looking forward to my husband and my newfound freedom together. Both boys had recently gotten married and I had just finished my college degree in 2012 after a 25-year hiatus. I thought it was going to be a start to our new life, our new empty nest, and we were going to be a couple again, without kids, just like we started years before. But that was only my idea, my thinking. Unbeknownst to me, my husband had given up on our marriage, on me, years before; and he was just waiting for the kids to be on their own.

Within 5 months after my second son’s wedding, he left me. It seemed to come out of nowhere. I’m sure I was naïve and blind but I really had no idea he felt like this or that he would ever leave me. But he did leave and I was left shocked, horrified, terrified, wracked with pain, guilt, shame and confusion. I could not understand why he did it, what happened and I tried for two years to plead and pray and understand. But it was over and I was devastated.

But this is just the beginning of the story.

So much happened to me during the crisis, and so much has happened since it first began. I think I could write an amazing book about it. (PS. It’s on my bucket list 😉 ). But the biggest takeaways from this horrible part of my life: There is life after pain. There is beauty from the ashes. There is love beyond rejection. And I began to grow and experience so many new and amazing things that would never have happened had I not been left, rejected and gone through that pain.

But when you are in the middle of the mess, slogging through the mud, it’s almost impossible to see anything good from it, or even see through darkness at all.

Your mind is swirling. Your emotions are all over the place. The future is incredibly dark or non-existent. How could this ever get better? But my dear friend…it does get better. More, it can be amazing, life altering, transforming, and liberating. Don’t get me wrong, I still hate divorce, and I would tell any couple considering it, to try everything in their power to save the marriage. But my purpose here is to give you encouragement and concrete ideas to help you get through the pain, whether because of divorce or some other trauma.

5 Ideas to Get Through the Pain.

1. Be with people.

When my crisis first began, I had the hardest time telling anyone it was happening. Maybe because of the shock, but maybe because of the shame that somehow I had failed. It took me 2 ½ months to even tell my family. However, I did confide in three women from the beginning. One thing that I learned, do not go through this pain alone.

It can be easy to close yourself in, stay in your house and wallow in the dark pain alone. It can take so much effort and energy to talk with and be around people. But I encourage you…do not go it alone. You will spin and spin and get nowhere. Like a leaf swirling in a little jetty of a creek, you will swirl and swirl in your own dark thoughts and never be able to get out of that jetty without something, or someone, breaking the hold of those dark thoughts. You need a branch to hold on to, someone to pull you out of that swirling darkness.

Three ways to include people in your pain.

• First, pray. Pray hard…pray your pain… pray through your tears and anguish. Be honest and completely open and exposed with your emotions and thoughts as you pray. Even get angry with God if you have to. It’s ok. He’s big enough to handle it. And He gets it. God hates sin and evil and darkness too. He may not answer your plea and begging for reconciliation (or maybe He will), but He really does hear every word, every silent thought and every tear drop. Just the act of praying can start to open up your mind and heart and begin to make sense of the swirling that is happening.
• Next, find 2 or 3 very close and sensible women to talk to. And especially if these woman have gone through a similar trauma. They may not have all the answers, but they will listen as you pour out all your hurt, anger, vengeance, and sorrow. Being able to voice your thoughts, and hear yourself, will help you get through the pain. It won’t stop it immediately, but the more you talk about it, the more you can begin to make sense of it and begin the path of moving on.
• Third, be with other people in some sort of social setting. This can be a very hard thing to do. I understand the last thing you probably want to do is go out and be with people, feeling the way you do. But it can be healthy and helpful to be around happy and fun people, even for a short time. It will help you get out of the darkness and funk and be able to see a little light and joy. It’s like that little firefly bouncing around in the night. It’s still very dark around it, but you can still see that glimpse of light, however small. And that small light, the little bit of fun with people, can be enough to see by, to find your way through the pain.

2. Try something brand new to get through the pain.

This is where courage comes in. Remember what courage is. It is not being fearless. It is moving forward and doing the scary thing despite your fear. This is the case with trying something brand new and making a change. For me it was getting a job. I was a stay-at-home mom all my life. The thought of a job in the middle of this trauma was not what I wanted to do. But I did not have a choice. So I began the job hunt and eventually found a job at a local winery.

But having to do something brand new forced me to get out of my shell, the dark hole I was in. And it can work the same for you.

Here are two new ideas you can try while you get through the pain.

Get a job.

Finding a job after being a SAHM most of your life can be daunting in itself, but doing it in the middle of the emotional crisis? That is challenging. But not impossible and very likely just what you need. Having to follow a routine, to have to get up and get dressed and go to a job may be just the thing that can break the darkness swirling around you. It does not have to be the perfect job. Work in a coffee shop, a local shop, or a retail store. Something to get you out of the house and begin that path toward freedom and independence.

Get active.

Find a new sport or physical activity that will get your body moving. Physical activity not only makes your body healthier and stronger, it has also been shown to increase happiness and well-being. For me, it was Argentine Tango. I had an old friend who invited me to try tango. It took effort and time to make it happen, (it was an hour drive both ways to get to the studio), but it was so good for me. It gave me something to look forward to, something different to dwell on other than the crisis I was going through. And the same can be true for you.

Although any kind of sport, like tennis or golf or even pickle ball would be helpful, I highly recommend ballroom dancing of some kind. Tango is great, but so are Swing Dance and other styles. The reason dancing is so good is the social aspect and the ability to meet new and different people. People that have no idea who you were before or that you are going through trauma, unless, of course you tell them, which I would not recommend. Keep those discussions to your 2 -3 close friends. So get out and try a new activity.

3. Open your mind to new ideas and new ways of thinking.

It does not matter if you wanted this painful situation to happen, it did. But there can be an upside to the pain if you are willing to look. One way is to open up your mind to new ways of thinking. Sometimes, without really knowing it, we keep ourselves in a bubble. We have surrounded ourselves with the same people who think the same, live the same, and like the same things as we do. That is not necessarily wrong, but it can be limiting.

Going through this painful time in your life can bring new ideas, new ways of thinking. We are already in a place of searching for answers. Our hearts are bleeding and open, having been ripped apart by the pain of the circumstance. But we can use that openness to listen to, understand, and be exposed to ideas we may not have believed or thought about before. We can really dig deep to find out where our allegiances and loyalties were, to test and stretch our beliefs and faith, and to see what we are really made of. It may not be a comfortable search and you might discover qualities in your life that shake and surprise you. But can you make those changes and discover even better qualities that may have been covered for years? Yes! That is one way to begin to open up your mind to something new.

4. Be open to different kinds of people.

Get out of your bubble and your comfort zone. Listen to other kinds of people. Listen to new voices that have a different perspective than you do. It’s so easy to go through our lives surrounding ourselves with people who believe, think and act the same as we do. But when a traumatic event, like divorce, comes, it often can be the trigger that jolts us out of our boring stupor. We are forced to do things differently, to think differently. And we can allow new kinds of people to enter our lives. And it can be wonderfully freeing. We can allow old biases to subside. We can have more compassion and love for a variety of people because we ‘get’ it now. We’ve been through the pain and we can develop empathy for others, maybe people we would not have been around before.

I encourage you to get out and meet new people. Lay down your old biases and judgments and be willing to see people as simply people, on their own journey. You may be surprised how much you can learn from different kinds of people that up until now have been outside your circle. Be willing to stretch and step outside your comfort zone. I promise it will be a wonderful experience.

5. Have scary trust.

Trust that it will end and there will be beauty from the ashes. It can be hard to believe when you are in the middle of the pain and the chaos. But I promise you…it will end. And you will be different. Better. Stronger. More beautiful. You will have passed through the fire. You will have scars, but they will be reminders of how you survived, how you conquered, despite the pain.

But you have to trust. And you have to have active, scary trust. It’s not enough to just wait around for the pain to end. You have to actively, intentionally and purposely engage in the process. Here are a few ideas on how you can invoke scary, active trust.

Trust that it will end and there will be beauty from the ashes.

1. Forgive! Forgive the person who hurt you.

This is not easy, especially while you are in the darkness. What you really want to do is lash out, take vengeance, be angry, slash his tires. (Don’t do this, by the way, 😉 ) But by holding onto the anger and hate, we only allow the hurting party to continue to have power over us. We are allowing them to continue to hurt us. We are keeping the knife firmly thrust into our back. But! If we forgive, and this is not a one-time thing, if we keep forgiving them, it will free you from the anger and hatred. It will lighten the load you are carrying. It will allow you to move forward into a new life so much quicker.

I understand it may feel like if you forgive, you are giving them ‘an out’; you are saying ‘it’s ok’ what they did to you. But that is not it at all. Forgiveness is not about them. It is about you. It is about freeing yourself from all the evil, dark and negative power and emotions that will haunt and hold onto you. But you can let all that negative emotion go with the act of forgiveness. It’s been said that if we continue to be angry, if we continue to withhold forgiveness, it’s like drinking poison and expecting the other person to die.

   And here is some hard truth. That person that left, the one who hurt you so intensely, is not thinking about you! He has already moved on. You are not hurting him back by continuing to be angry, by continuing to have terrible thoughts about him. He is already in a new life, regardless of how you feel about it. So let it go! Let the anger, the bitterness, the rottenness, the   darkness go! It is not serving you. And how do you let it go? Forgiveness.

2. Move on.

Move on with your life even if you don’t feel like you can. At times, you have to take action to move on, despite how you feel. Eventually, your emotions will catch up to your actions. Get a job. Move to a new house or even a new town. Meet new people. Try new things. Start a business. Get your mind on you and not on the pain and certainly not on the person who caused the pain.

3. Write in a journal daily.

Write down all your thoughts, good, bad, angry, whatever. Write out your conversations you wish you could have but won’t. Get them out of your head and onto paper. This very act is so good and so freeing. And then, if you can, wait a few days and re-read what you wrote.

Reading what you wrote after the emotions have died down can be very eye opening. You will see from your own hand what is happening in the swirling darkness of your mind. And you can then look at your self and your emotions with a calm, more logical mindset. You will see that all those dark, angry emotions are just that. Emotions. It’s not fact and often not true. And now you have the power to choose not to believe the darkness you wrote. Instead, you can choose to think more clearly and truly trust that the pain WILL subside and you WILL move on.

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So there are the 5 practical and doable ideas to get through your pain. I’m not saying it will be easy. Nope. It will be damn hard at times and you might want to just quit. But do not quit on yourself. The reward for holding on and moving on is so amazing. I know it’s hard to imagine right now, but your life is full of promise and beauty and fullness. It will happen. We cannot put a timetable on when, but I know it can happen. Practice these 5 principles and ideas to get through the pain, and you will move on and have a fabulous, maybe different, but still amazing new life. Get through this darkness and the light of your new life will be blindingly beautiful.

With much love and understanding, Kathleen